Quartzeroids

A demonstration of 2D gaming using the Quartz compositing engine.

This game is freeware. Do as you wish with this game and its source. I don't care. This game is perfectly suitable for aircraft navigation, vascular surgery and is encouraged for people with heart conditions. This game is solely responsible for the sadwyw spider. People between the ages of 29 and 36 are strictly forbidden from reading this sentence. To agree with these terms push the small red button behind your left ear.

How To Play

Left and right arrows turn, up arrow accelerates, spacebar fires. If you can't work out the rest then I suggest you head back to the Commodore 64, and brush up on the basics.

Source Code and Contacting the Author

Full Objective C source and Project Builder files are available from http://homepage.mac.com/mattgallagher. Contact me about this game, or with any questions about the source code (really, I'm happy to help) at mattgallagher@mac.com.

Frequently Asked Questions

I can't customise my keyboard controls.
Try using a screwdriver to pry the keys off your keyboard.

The game runs like shit on my machine.
There are no optimisations in the game. Quartz wasn't really meant to do this. The biggest source of slow-down is when composited images overlap the edge of the window (when all images are fully within the window it should run fine). It runs fine most of the time on my machine (iMac 500Mhz, 256MB RAM).

I can't get the game to run at all on my Palm Pilot.
There are known issues with some versions of the Palm OS. I suggest a 20PoundSledgeHammer® upgrade to the new streamlined model.

I ran past all the fire spitting holes and defeated the end of level Koopa, but it keeps telling me that our princess is in another castle.
Did you use the secret finishing move? Don't forget you need to press all the switches to open the door. Just use the clay golems to distract Mephisto, and keep hitting him with bone spears.

I'm a busty, gorgeous female in her early twenties living in Sydney, Australia. I was wondering if a good-looking guy like you could help me entertain myself this weekend.
Sorry babe, but I'm snowed under. My toenails won't clip themselves (I knew I should have paid extra for the auto-clipping option).

Is a ping of 400ms low enough for Quartzeroids network games?
Yes. In order to get it working though, you will need a null-modem cable and two tin cans with some string tied between them.

All of the levels in the expansion pack are ridiculously hard, but still exactly like those in the original. You suck.
That's not a question.

Will Leonardo DiCaprio ever be a teen heart throb again?
No. Instead he will become governor of Alabama. My crystal ball also reveals that its splitsville for Brad Pitt and Jennifer Anniston.

Can I get a Quartzeroids T-Shirt?
Yes, but some assembly is required. Do you own a loom?

This is the worst game in the world. Maelstrom was so much better.
Of course. Asterax was pretty cool too. That's because people put actual effort into them. I spent about 12 hours coding this, and the remainder of the 2 years development time having sex with human females and earning money to buy 2000 kilometres of computer cables.

Every time I try to move my ship, my TV changes channels.
Check you computer manual under: "Learning to tell the difference between a TV remote and your computer keyboard."

There's this girl at school that I really like. How do I get her to go out with me?
Personally, I'm a big fan of the Joey Tribiani technique: just walk on up and ask "How you doin'?". Other [apparently] successful techniques seem to include getting obscenely old and rich, or becoming a rock star. However, since you're reading this, I'm going to assume you're a worthless computer nerd male with rampant acne and sewage breath. While this doesn't preclude you from becoming obscenely old and rich, at this stage you probably have more chance of inserting an entire adult marlin up your anus than attracting a girl you like. I'm sorry, that's just how it works.

You're extremely crude and some of your responses are inappropriate for children.
They're only words and thoughts. Besides, most 5 year olds are capable of taking the thought of "inserting an entire adult marlin up your anus" as the farce that it is. How have you developed such an inability for humour?

Oh I get it, you make up questions and give your own "witty" replies. Very funny. Wise-ass.
Don't spoil the magic by giving away the secrets you grinch. Next you'll be telling the children that there's no god.

This help file is dedicated to the Australian National University Men's Office – the only gender equity office of its kind in the world – and its sad demise after my accidental graduation. The Men's Office was created by myself and the Master Westcott D. Nicksquire to fight the frequently ignored prejudices of affirmative action. 52% is not a minority, I don't care how bad you are at mathematics.